Tomorrow is the day a little cupid flies around telling us to express passionate love to a mate.
Each year at this time I think about a message that will carry the work that I do. It brings me joy and meaning to help people establish and maintain secure love relationships. It can also be heartbreaking to see people who love each other struggle to feel safe and connected.
Often, a partner does not feel loved while their partner loves them deeply. What makes it so hard to feel our partner’s love? There are 2 main reasons 1) our partner is afraid to be vulnerable enough to let down their guard and let expressions of love and affection flow, and 2) because of painful experiences from attachment figures (a parent, caregiver, or previous or current partner) we’ve established too many layers of protection to be able to trust gestures of love and affection. We get to the point that if our partner doesn’t hit the nail on the head, or if they miss too frequently, we feel hopeless and alone. Moments of trust are shattered in an instant.
You might wonder – is it me or them? It’s often hard for even the couples therapist to tell, but it’s typically some of both. But most relationships will benefit – and succeed – if they work in both directions. I tell my clients “I am helping you in two ways – I’m helping you give and receive love, and I’m helping your partner gain sensitivity and awareness and give and receive love in a way that lands for you.” Wherever a couple finds themselves, we’ll work on both.
I believe in long-term love relationships. It is not something that all will experience in this lifetime. Whether due to conflict, death, or never finding “the one” – many remain unpartnered for much or all of their life. Many remain unpartnered by choice. Many more find profound meaning in platonic relationships (there are several books about this now including Platonic, Fighting for Our Friendships, and The Other Significant Others).
Others seem to be remarkably lucky in experiencing a secure long-term love relationship…or so it may seem. While some may seem to have this figured out, if you knew what went on behind the scenes, you’d likely discover that ALL relationships go through heartache and pain, rupture and repair, and even long bouts of loneliness over the life of their relationship. Long-term love is hard-won yet can reap remarkable rewards for a life of strength, stability, and shared meaning.
If you are struggling in your romantic relationship I urge you to give your time and energy to overcoming the challenges you are facing. There are a multitude of resources available to you in the way of books, courses, workshops, retreats, and of course, couples therapy.
Book a consultation to explore the next steps for healing your love relationship.
