by Karen Woodson, LCSW
“What does a healthy romantic relationship look like?” is a question many clients ask. Many have experienced a sense of safety and security in the early dating stage with their partner, but as time passes and we get stuck in negative cycles of interaction and communication, we may lose that felt sense of connection. Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, discovered that the main ingredient in creating secure relationships is emotional responsiveness, which is captured by the question “A.R.E. you there for me?” Let’s look at each element in the acronym “A.R.E.”
A=Accessible
Definition: Being emotionally open and vulnerable. Sharing our inner worlds and reaching for each other in a way that feels inviting, often leading with emotion.
Accessibility means being emotionally and physically available to your loved one. Accessibility looks like leading with emotional vulnerability, gentle reaching as we share our inner worlds. “I am sad about what you said last night. It really hurt me and made me worry about us. Can we talk about it? I want to feel close again.”
Other examples of Accessibility in a relationship include:
- Easily getting each other’s attention
- Being able to connect emotionally
- Knowing we are each other’s priority
- Understanding ourselves and trusting we can share our deepest feelings
R = Responsive
Definition: Giving an emotional response that is reassuring and soothing. We feel loved when our partner sees us and expresses care about our feelings, in both positive and hard moments.
Attachment science indicates that responsiveness is the most important element in creating a secure relationship. It reassures us that we can rely on the other person and that we aren’t alone in life.
Responsiveness looks like giving an emotional response to our spouse’s emotional need, getting close and being safe when they are vulnerable, and catching them when they seem to be struggling or falling emotionally. We might say, “It looks like you have been crying. I’m sad you’re sad. I want to know what you are feeling. Can I give you a hug? I just don’t want you to be alone when you are hurting.”
Other examples of Responsiveness in a relationship include:
- Knowing we will be there for each other when we need connection and comfort
- Responding to signals that we need each other to come closer
- Being able to reach out to and lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure
- Even when we argue, we still know that we are important to each other and we will find a way to repair
- Feeling reassured that I am a priority to my loved one
E=Engaged
Definition: Positive emotional engagement reminds us we are a priority, and that we matter to our loved one. Having fun together, building rituals of connection, and physical touch are all examples of engagement.
Engagement creates positive interactions. We need 5 positive interactions for each negative one to feel secure. We need to be able to relax together to bond. Engagement looks like being affectionate, smiling, laughing, being curious about our loved one, showing interest in what they think and feel, and creating rituals of connection.
Here are some other examples of Engagement in a relationship:
- Comfortable being close and trusting each other
- Confiding in each other
- Confidence that we are connected to each other, even when we have to be apart
- Care about each other’s joys, hurts and fears
- Feeling safe enough to take emotional risks
A.R.E. in Action
I recently saw a couple use Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement in a session to repair after a negative cycle. When he asked her to have a conversation about finances, she was initially hesitant. According to her, “I have ‘scars’ from the past and can be sensitive when we talk about money. I start to feel guilty and then get defensive.” (Accessibility) He listened and validated her hurt, “That makes sense. It hasn’t gone well in the past, so of course you would be sensitive. I want to help you believe I won’t blame you.” (Responsiveness). Later, she initiated the conversation he wanted to have, asked him to send her his notes, and she began to take action on some of his requests (Responsiveness). They agreed to have weekly, light hearted check-ins to see how they were both feeling about their progress (Engagement).
How do I get started?
Start by being aware of the space between cues and your response. Understanding your emotional world and protective moves (like defensiveness when scared of conflict or blaming when feeling uncared for) and telling your partner how you feel creates Accessibility. Then really listen when your partner shares their feelings and respond with empathy to show Responsiveness. Please remember we are here to support you as you build healthy engagement with your own inner world and with your relationships.
Heartswell can help you learn these skills. We provide individual and couples therapy options with our team of compassionate therapists. You can send us a message or book a consultation on our contact page.
