by Karen Woodson, LCSW
“I know you are stressed and overwhelmed, but I miss feeling close like we used to.”
I have heard a similar version of that from many of the couples I work with. Often the spouse reaching for their partner realizes that their spouse loves them, but that they are stretched thin by the demands of life. They long for a deeper connection, but also feel guilty for asking more of their spouses who are drowning with the stresses of work, family and other pressures. One of the ways I encourage couples to try to find realistic ways to meet these bids for bonding are through evening rituals of connection.
What does a ritual of connection look like?
John Gottman talks about rituals of connection in his book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He encourages couples to establish small, shared daily traditions that express identity as a couple and create opportunities for positive engagement. I have found that couples that can create even a few minutes of a daily ritual of connection feel more important to their spouse and more secure in their relationship.
Rituals of connection have three important components:
1) They are repetitive and consistent
2) They involve structured actions and behaviors
3) They have symbolic significance
Repetitive and consistent: I encourage couples I work with to commit to finding a time of day when they will both be available and not distracted. Most of my couples choose to make time in the evenings. The most important thing is to be consistent and prioritize even just a few minutes together to focus on maintaining their friendship.
Structured actions and behaviors: The best rituals of connection involve positive engagement, an opportunity for couples to do something together that helps them give and receive love. Some of my couples enjoy walking together in the evening, sharing about their days and listening to each other. Others prefer to have “cocoa time,” where they can share a soothing beverage while looking at each other and talking. I know a couple that plays a game together every night as a way to unwind and laugh together. Other couples read together, pray together, or cuddle together. In one couple, she reads to him while he brushes her hair. Two things I would encourage are to have at least part of the time be “screen free” so that couples can have some time with eye contact and more engagement. The other is to remember that skin to skin contact is healing and bonding for us as humans. Back massages, foot rubs, cuddling, and good night kisses are also good ways for couples to create rituals of connection.
Symbolic significance: Giving and receiving rituals of connection with our spouse help meet basic attachment needs to feel loved, important, wanted, cared for, and valued. We make time for the priorities of our lives and have to schedule them, so making time for rituals of connection is a symbolic way of prioritizing our most important relationship. When we get busy, our marriage or significant relationship may be the first thing we let go, but these rituals remind us to make time to connect, no matter how busy we are.
How do I get started?
The holidays are full of gift giving, and one of the best gifts you can give to your partner is letting them know you want to increase positive connection. Share this article and ask them what rituals they would enjoy. If you are struggling with adding one more thing to your life right now, take time to look inward for ways to practice self compassion and boundaries before you engage with others. This article has some first steps.
Couples who commit to building daily rituals of connection will find that they feel more engaged and are less likely to be sucked into negative cycles of interaction with each other. As one couple told me, “I look forward to that time together, it reminds me that we are important to each other and it helps me relax before going to sleep.”
Please remember we are here to support you as you build healthy engagement with your own inner world and with your relationships. Heartswell provides individual and couples therapy options with our team of compassionate therapists. You can send us a message or book a consultation on our contact page.
