Meaningful Sexual Connection
Emily Nagoski has become a sex education superstar. Her second book, Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections, came out earlier this year. Have you delved into this one?
Summertime and travel can make space for more desire… BUT if you’ve even dipped into ‘Come Together’ then you’ll know that stronger desire is not the goal, nor is it essential to a meaningful sexual connection.
Here is what has stuck with me so far…
- Dual Control Model: The brain has a sexual accelerator (turn-on signals) and sexual brakes (turn-off signals). “Your brain has both a sexual accelerator, which sends a “turn on” signal in response to any sex-related stimulation, and sexual brakes, which send a “turn off” signal in response to any perceived threat. When people experience sexual difficulties, it’s occasionally because there’s not enough stimulation to the accelerator, but more often it’s because there’s too much stimulation to the brakes.”
- Impact of Perceived Threats: Sexual difficulties often arise from overstimulation of the brakes due to perceived threats. A threat can be something like disappointing our partner, worry over getting caught, questioning our body image, distractions, anxiety, fear, or inadequacy…. Our nervous system will gear up and protect us when we perceive a threat. When we are not at ease, sexual arousal is typically inhibited.
- Understanding What You Want: It’s normal not to want sex you don’t enjoy. I love Emily’s questions at the end of the chapter “What is it that I don’t want when I don’t want sex?” Also, “What is it that I want when I want sex?”
- Shifting Focus to Pleasure: Emily encourages shifting focus from desire to pleasure. Society puts so much pressure on desire. However, “responsive desire” or arousal and interest that emerges after we begin to engage sexually can be just as powerful as “spontaneous desire.”
“Physical activity is the single most efficient strategy for completing the stress response cycle and recalibrating your central nervous system in to a calm state.”
– Emily Nagoski
This makes me think…
While I 100% agree that shifting our focus from desire to pleasure can make all the difference, please know that many still struggle to find pleasure. Chapter 2 has some helpful tips, though some people’s bodies are less responsive to sexual pleasure by nature. Think of it as a spectrum with hypersexual at one end and asexual at the other or, as Emily explains in Chapter 3, high lust at one end and low lust at the other. Please do not pathologize yourself or your partner for wherever you fall on the sexual spectrum. And please do not make the difference between you and your partner about your desirability, worth, or their love for you.
Regardless of where you are, work with your partner to co-create patterns, rituals, and ways of being together that can tap into the nurturing experience of being skin-to-skin in sexual and non-sexual ways with your partner.
In my experience, the biggest barrier to this is taking things personally.
Your Sexual Authenticity Matters
Your true sexual nature and personality can only be known as you release the “brakes” in your sexual responses. This will give you the space to discover what may (or may not) surface in your sexual accelerator.
All this said, even the pressure to feel pleasure can be counterproductive. Consider just allowing yourself to be with the sensations that move through your body, moment-by-moment when you are skin-to-skin with your partner. Let go of expectations, and instead, lead with curiosity. Follow and enhance any sensations that bring you comfort and a sense of closeness.
“Emotions are tunnels. You have to go all the way through the darkness to get to the light at the end.”
-Emily Nagoski
Questions to ask yourself and your partner:
- How do you feel about feeling pleasure?
- Do you feel undeserving or embarrassed or do you love and embrace it?
- What are the thoughts and responses that show up in your body?
Sexual connection isn’t about striving for intense desire; it’s about finding pleasure, authenticity, and connection in your experiences. As Emily Nagoski explains, understanding the interplay between your sexual accelerator and brakes, recognizing the impact of perceived threats, and exploring your true desires are essential for deep intimacy. There’s no “right” place on the sexual spectrum.
The key is to create meaningful moments with your partner. This gentle exploration and acceptance can lead to a deeper, more genuine connection.
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