By Andrea Andrews, LPC
All relationships involve moments of misattunement, but in neurodivergent partnerships, those moments can feel especially disorienting. We can feel confused, hurt, unwanted, misunderstood and often very alone. When one or both partners are neurodivergent, disconnection often comes not from a lack of love or effort, but from different ways of processing, regulating, and showing up in a relationship.
Many misunderstandings stem from unseen emotional needs—like the need to feel safe, connected, or understood. In neurodivergent partnerships, those needs often show up through different nervous system responses. One partner’s shutdown might be a sign of sensory overload, not disinterest. Another’s frustration might come from a part that feels anxious or uncertain—reaching for reassurance, not trying to criticize. When couples learn to recognize these patterns with curiosity instead of blame, it opens the door to clearer understanding and meaningful repair.
Building a deeper understanding of one another regarding how each feels and processes emotion based on the unique patterns of our brain and regulation system, can help us build a deeper connection. Reducing confusion can reduce the pain and conflict.
What Is Neurodivergence?
Neurodivergence refers to the natural variation in how brains work. It includes experiences like autism, ADHD, sensory processing differences, learning differences, and more. These aren’t flaws—they’re simply different ways of thinking, feeling, and engaging with the world.
Many social norms, including those around relationships are shaped around neurotypical expectations, which can unintentionally leave neurodivergent individuals feeling misunderstood. But the issue is rarely the person, it’s the pattern of assumptions and unspoken needs.
Why Misunderstandings Arise
Neurodivergent partners often have unique rhythms, needs, and communication styles. Without context, these differences can lead to emotional disconnection and painful patterns. Common areas of mismatch include:
1. Communication
- One partner may speak literally or need clarity, while the other relies on tone or subtext.
- An ADHD partner might talk in bursts or shift topics quickly, which can feel chaotic to someone needing structure.
- A partner withdrawing to regulate might be misread as shutting down emotionally.
2. Emotional Timing
- Some partners process slowly and go quiet. Others seek immediate repair or connection.
- These mismatches often trigger a pursue–withdraw cycle, where each partner’s coping strategy escalates disconnection.
3. Executive Functioning
- Forgetting, losing track of time, or struggling to follow through isn’t always about motivation—it may be overload.
- Without understanding, it’s easy to interpret these moments as carelessness or avoidance.
4. Sensory Needs
- One partner might need movement or background noise to regulate, while the other needs stillness and quiet.
- After work or social interaction, a partner may be completely overstimulated and need silence, decompression, or solitude—not because they’re avoiding the relationship, but because they need to reset their nervous system.
The Emotional Cost
When these patterns aren’t named, partners can begin to internalize painful stories:
“You don’t care.”
“You’re always shutting me out.”
“I’m too much.”
“I can never get it right.”
Often, the issue isn’t lack of love, it’s misattuned nervous systems and unspoken expectations. Naming that is the first step toward repair.
At Heartswell, our foundational model for helping couples establish a deeper connection is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Stage One is about de-escalation. In this stage, we are identifying the cycles of communication the role each partner plays. Additionally, each will identify their attachment style. As they begin to see this more clearly they can begin to find their way out. They also learn that what they see and hear from their partner on the surface is not the whole story. We begin to uncover the deeper emotions and aspects of our experience that are difficult to articulate.
We invite you to begin your journey to understanding the cycles in your relationship and building a deeper understanding. Ready to take the first step? Schedule a consultation with us today and start building a stronger, more connected relationship.
Andrea Andrews, LPC, specializes in neurodivergent-affirming therapy for individuals, couples, and families. She works from a trauma-informed and attachment-based lens to help clients build insight, connection, and communication rooted in compassion.
